Delightful Magic

Jennifer Stevenson’s book Trash Sex Magic did something unexpected to me.  I was just reading along, having trouble parsing the characters’ family structure, and a little uncertain what the storyline was, but enjoying a certain energy infusing the whole mystical, magical scene…  When I discovered myself behaving differently toward Jesse.

I’d been avoiding sex again, too distracted by other demands on my time, and Jesse was in the same boat but worse, struggling with work deadlines.  I kept resolving to set aside time one of these Saturdays, which used to be our sacred day for sex — to find time to get back to it again.  And failing.  Sometimes he’d ask for “dessert” (a blow job), and I’d do it as a quick way to connect, but often not connecting intimately at all. I finally realized it was getting to be weeks since we’d lain down to be with each other, and I decided this was a destructive trend.

When I mentioned to Jesse how important I thought it was, he reacted to my talking about it with discomfort and avoidance. I realized this was worse than I’d realized. I didn’t want to say anything he might hear as blame. I was going to have to take matters into my own hands.  I like to encourage him to reach out to me, I hunger for that kind of attention … but I’m not willing to demand what he can’t give.

So yesterday (a Saturday) I barged into his office and seduced him, sitting in his chair at his desk, with a blow job.  He was about to go out, he was expecting a phone call, I knew both of those, but I just did it.  I had tried too long to fit sex into our busy schedule;  now I wanted to affirm that it was more important.

I felt like a pagan again, I was channeling the Goddess again.  No doubts about balance of responsibility or about getting my needs met, I needed to worship at that altar and I gave myself to the energy.

We both enjoyed it, and felt closer.  Jesse laughed like a kid with a present.

Trash Sex Magic didn’t turn me on the way I have been thinking of “being turned on.”  I didn’t feel the familiar pressure/hunger.  I felt a spacious joy, delight in sensuousness, opening to incredible possiblities.  This is my kind of magical realism!

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