Until a point in my life, romantic attraction aroused me. “Limerence,” to use Dorothy Tennov’s term. But I had so many bad experiences pursuing that dream… now fantasies of romance don’t work very well any more to turn me on.
What works best is fantasies that I have a lot of negative feelings about: fantasies of being overpowered. Not exactly rape, but almost. The reason I hate this is that I know it’s part of how I was socialized to be submissive, and I don’t want to reinforce that programming!
Getting raped, myself, I don’t fantasize. However I have turned myself on occasionally by imagining a man getting raped. That feels like it counteractsx my conditioning!
These fantasies embarrass me. Shame me, even… horrify me: I don’t like the me who gets off on them.
So I’ve created fantasies that appeal to me aesthetically, politically, ecologically…. fantasies I think I should like — But I don’t get off on them.
It’s hard to write about this. I want to document my struggle, bear witness to my situation, speak truth to the powers that oppress our sexuality…. But I’m uncomfortable putting it out in public.