Until a point in my life, romantic attraction aroused me.  “Limerence,” to use Dorothy Tennov’s term.  But I had so many bad experiences pursuing that dream… now fantasies of romance don’t work very well any more to turn me on. 

What works best is fantasies that I have a lot of negative feelings about:  fantasies of being overpowered.  Not exactly rape, but almost. The reason I hate this is that I know it’s part of how I was socialized to be submissive, and I don’t want to reinforce that programming!

Getting raped, myself, I don’t fantasize.  However I have turned myself on occasionally by imagining a man getting raped. That feels like it counteractsx my conditioning!   

These fantasies embarrass me. Shame me, even…  horrify me:  I don’t like the me who gets off on them.

So I’ve created fantasies that appeal to me aesthetically, politically, ecologically…. fantasies I think I should like — But I don’t get off on them.  

It’s hard to write about this.  I want to document my struggle, bear witness to my situation, speak truth to the powers that oppress our sexuality….  But I’m uncomfortable putting it out in public.